Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
