bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
