just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
