I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
