remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
