I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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