I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
its liver damage thursday
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
