dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
