On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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