I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
