You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
