Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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