Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My feet surprised me
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