Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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