i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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