Cold hands, warm shart.
another moral hangover. fuck.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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