I can tuck mytits in my pants
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Randomize
