I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
