shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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