i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
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We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
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Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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