Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
