Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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