It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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