I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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