We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
