i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
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His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
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I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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