Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
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