Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
