Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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