we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
they need to just BURY HIM!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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