She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
