Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
