thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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