is your mom at the bar?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
