i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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