Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
