6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Found your dick twin last night
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
