Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
