oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
