Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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