I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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