Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
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You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
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I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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