hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
