I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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