After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
