you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
