whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
