How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
