the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.