I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Use "feeling words"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs