My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We're too hungover to prance.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
