Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I think I just sharted jello shots
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