This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
