Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
