Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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