I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
