just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
