I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Houston, we have a squirter
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
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