why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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