I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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